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Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Day to myself...

Wow.. I've got a few days off work and it feels great. I really needed that down time.. just to relax .. think and clear my mind.
What's weird is that I still got up really early, then initially felt disappointed that I didn't really have anywhere overly important to go.. A few early appointments but no biggy..
Crazy huh..

No... It's a day a take it easy , enjoy my space and my own company..
the plan? Chill abit, read abit.. watch DVD .. sleep abit
My bloomin' iron's just clonked out.. and I need to iron my jeans... hmmm.. not really feeling the grunge look today, so i'm gonna have to think fast.... dress and tights methinks

Enjoy your day x

Talking about racism...

I attended a seminar yesterday on race and racism in the 21st century, which was well attended by people of diverse backgrounds, some representing organisations, others simply representing themselves.
I won’t go into too much detail but a conservation I had with a police officer from outside of London was interesting in that we discussed why black people were still afraid to join organisations like the B.P.A, or speak out about injustice.
He used the term ‘people become institutionalised’ and that is true. Not only in the police force, but in offices, and businesses up and down the country.
That is a debate we need to have.
A debate into why we are still allowing fear to hold us hostage. Why we are still allowing fear to cause us to go on the attack when faced... with black...when faced with the reality of racism

Racism in the 21st century is about the normality of white privilege, and the internalised fear and hatred of black, and perhaps to a lesser extent, other ethnic minority cultures here in the UK.
Yet perhaps, we also need to have a debate about whether it’s fair to expect a black person to be a representative, when it really isn’t ‘them’... not all people are born for that purpose.. and perhaps we need to recognise that...

Still... I think we need to 'clear the air'

The things you say.. or write.. matter

I was thinking this morning about why (I think) what we say or write matters. Why I think words are important.
It saddens me when people take words for granted.
For example; I can’t understand why people don’t want to say 'I love you' to a partner, or express feelings of love.. Opting instead to freely express anger or disappointment... yet still expect that relationship to flourish. If one feels love, then one should say so... not to... is selfish...

It's a shame that words are sometimes used as a means to an end, or simply to mask truth.
Words matter to me because before any word is uttered, or written, it began with a simple thought.
A thought, is word, in its purest form.
Now I know some people say things they don’t mean, and use words to lie or deceive, and you could rightly ask where is the purity in that?..
Well... I think that’s more to do with intent.
The word itself is the word.
The corruption was the intent
I don’t know of many other things that have suffered more abuse and exploitation... than words ( i’ll leave the suffering ‘black’ people out of this post...today...although....)
Anyway..
Quite literally, in many places across the world, words( written and spoken) are used to control, manipulate, exploit, harm, and kill
Yet, words can embrace, heal, teach, inspire, motivate, educate, unite, comfort, and lead a person or persons, to greatness, and unimaginable love.

Words matter to me.

Shit you all know by now everything matters to me... (everything and nothing)
The things that are said to me... often stay with me. Good and bad.
I’m learning to filter, which is necessary, but I won’t pretend they don’t impact.
A word can build me up... yet equally crush me...all be it temporarily... but such is the power they have
Yet perhaps... the real power..the reason they resonate... is the thought

It matters what we think
What we really think

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Just what is this 'everything' we hear about?....

What is this ‘everything’ people sometimes speak of?.
I wonder of the true meaning behind the phrase ’they have it all’
I ask because I’m not sure, yet I do have my suspicions.

Why else do I ask?... Well because I’ve had people say to me... whenever the subject arises... 'what have you got to worry about?'. This may then proceed to... ‘What have you got to be unhappy about?... the perception being... come on... you have it 'all'... surely you must be happy 24/7!?!
( it's all relative and the level of 'what have you' etc ( feel free to fill in the blanks)....will depend on who i'm speaking to at the time I guess)

Whenever the conversation has headed that way I’ve tended to diffuse it... redirect the conversation completely, yet inside felt quite hurt.
Imagine if I really did ‘have it all’
How isolated would I be?
No one would perhaps give my concerns or feelings the time of day possibly, and the lure of a drug induced haze may prove an irresitable cocktale. ( for those seeking a way out.. or to dull the pain)
It has for many... often to their detriment
...this can be true of those with very little, but an appearance of 'joy'...put in place to appease the masses, and get the 'monkey' off their back... the 'monkey' being... those who ask question like that without care or thought.
So what is this everything we hear about?
This ‘everything’ which renders its hosts immune to human frailty.
Is it money?
Looks
Popularity
House? check... car/s?.. check... regular holidays?.. check.. Investments? check... partner.?.. check...
So when we come across a person who has these outward success indicators, do they then begin to become ‘invisible' to us... do we fail to see them as people... banish them to a place where they are no longer allowed to feel?
Truth is you can have 'everything' and yet have nothing
I suspect that even a mansion could feel a little like a prison if you have no one to share it with... especially if what ails you is the desire for spiritual fulfilment... little else will suffice

'Having it all' may be possible... but it may look very different to the idealised image presented in society

Sunday, 26 February 2012

Not just 'Mandela'.. and the on-going struggle..

This is available to watch on the BBC.
Worth a look.. Have you heard from Johannesburg

A 'Yellow' Sunday...

There are times when I'm drawn to certain colours over others. Sometimes it reflects my mood .. other times it's aim is to possibly to tease out a mood. I think perhaps, more often than not, it's subconscious.
Perhaps one reason why women seem to desire more clothes than men has much to do with a spiritual need, whether women realise it or not... hey..maybe we really do need to just get 'loads of stuff'.. clothes and shoes to fill our wardrobes.. maybe it's an expression of our 'god-self' manifested
Don't get me wrong it's possible it's pure vanity and greed also.. I guess it really depends on the woman.. and her 'head space'


I came across this webpage and found it quite informative.

It also associates a Chakra to each colours..
I'm feeling the colour yellow today

Sunday reflections..

Sunday morn, so far so good.
I’d finished cooking dinner by 7am, and have pretty much done my Sunday morn housework (minus cleaning the windows... which can wait another week) and so now have the rest of the day to do whatever.
The sun is out, and I’ve just fixed the outdoor broom so I do believe I will be heading first out front, then out back to make a start on its yearly transformation.
They’re not too bad, as messy gardens go... but it’s not me.
I have some cool wellies ..so I’ll either wear them or my trainers and 'trakky' to arouse the neighbours and give the kids a chuckle.
Another aspect of my day will include pampering me a bit. I like to think I deserve it .... so I’ll enjoy a really lazy bubble bath... do my hair , ( what’s left of my nails as I bite them .. yuk I know) and maybe watch a DVD with a glass of Guinness punch or wine.
I’ll leave a trip to Top Shop till in the week... it’s long overdue... and by far my favourite shop
(Although having said that, this year I would like to get more things made... bespoke one off items... that have Dawna written all over them... not literally of course!)

***
Yesterday I spent my afternoon in the study area of my local library where I read, dozed off, awoke, and read some more. Fortunately I was able to come up with the ‘perfect linking/ statement/ leading in to my second chapter.
I am currently reading a book called White... blam... how’s that for a title... it’s all about ‘whiteness’... written by a white man.. and if I could, I would shake his hand and thank him. It’s given me so much food for thought and cemented many things that I have mulled over as possibilities over the years.
Whiteness... the norm by which all else is measured... the’ un-raced’ ‘race’
Committed to liberal thinking once the ‘norm’ remains the ‘norm’... and ultimate and overarching power remains
The book was recommended to me, along with a few others which I will share with you in due course.

****

I have two 'Spring-time aims' so to speak... well three going on four really
One has been ongoing for many years buy a shed... erect a shed... put away tools and T’s mini bike... clear passage.
The other... for some reason ...out of the eight dining chairs I once had... only two currently work... I was going to take them to be repaired but I may just scrap that and buy a new dining table set altogether

The other, relay kitchen floor
Oh and one more for luck... tile the bathroom
Little things... that I often over look.
I have others but those I’ll use as a ‘marker’

****

The PM held 'talks' about Somalia in the week and today I stumbled across this article in the guardian
Solutions for Somalia?

Life appears to have very little value to many..
'Black life'.. even less

It made me wonder how much of ourselves are willing to give up for the pursuit of money.. the god of the godless?
Don't get me wrong.. I like nice things... but I'm not ruled by my desire for nice things, so much as to lose my humanity

***

I thought about Syria... watched the news bulletin
Then my thoughts lead me to this question
If you are not British.. or 'white' (to get to the point) should you ever join the British Army?..
If you do.. and you are deployed in your country of origin.. what then do you do?

***
On the up.. I really like the actor Bill Nighy.. and there's a new film out with him in it I can't wait to go see.. something about a hotel.. maybe weekend.. see how it goes

Over and out

Happy SMSx

Ps.. had a conversation a few weeks ago at work about Madonna... so I checked out the video for myself.. and can I just say I personally think she looks fantastic.. and age need not be a barrier to self expression..
Madonna has taken care of herself, exercises, and it shows... middle age doesn't have to signal an early decline to a slow boring death
Not everyone is designed for the spread...pipe... and slippers... let her be!!
Be happy in life

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Success...

A very old friend sent this to me today.. I liked it so thought I'd share it..

Everyone who got where they are had to begin where they were.
Your opportunity for success is right in front of you.

To attain success or to reach your goal, don't worry about having all the answers in advance. You just need to have a clear idea of your goal and move toward it.

Don't procrastinate when faced with a difficult problem.
Break your problems into parts and handle one part at a time.

Develop a tendency toward action. You can make something happen today.
Break your big plan for success into small steps and take the first step right away.


On to my thought of the day.. or night...
'No body does it alone'
Even though it may look that way on occasion, somewhere, someone believed

Success

To want success.. it's important to know success... and know that it means different things to different people...
For some... success is not smoking that crack pipe or taking that drink

For others it may be getting promoted at work

Ultimately I believe even within the variations there exits one Constance in success.... that is that; success is knowing who you are... and not being afraid to be it...

*Is the problem with Africa...Africans?

We can blame colonialism, capitalism, racism the world bank , globalisation and the IMF.
But one day, we may look in the mirror and find there is no longer anyone else to blame
And only the truth shall remain
And at that moment, we may feel a range of things
Perhaps ...should feel a range of things
At least then .. we will feel...something
Naked as you were born you stand
No longer able to hide behind our ego, our fallacies, our 'trinkets of mass repulsion'..'seduction'
No longer will we devalue our diamonds, and dull our gold
Recognise humanities truth worth

So what will we feel?
Shame?
Disappointment?
Embarrassment?
Perhaps even relief

For you can be enslaved, yet never a slave
Captive, yet never in bondage
Moneyless, but never poor

Let go of your intellect and 'free your mind'

What have you done for your brother lately?
What have you called your sister lately?
Free your heart
It’s been encased for to long

* thoughts

To a wonderful niece:-)...Happy Birthdayxx


Happy birthday V
Trust me.. you've got it all ahead of you
Never underestimate the joy that lies in wait for you
destined for you
There I said it..
That means it's true
For.. have I ever lied to you?
No
Not that I can recall anyhow..:)

Enjoy your birthday... bye for now
So if by chance you pass this way...
I just wanted to say .. Happy B'day and hey

Ps.. eat cake..

Tell me... x

Tell me
When you look at me
Exactly what you see

Then close your eyes
and learn to trust
Allow your heart to know it’s safe
Believe it’s safe
With us
With me
Close your eyes and allow your senses
If you stumble I will hold you
Caress love and adore you
You can never lose you
For within you I am found

My brown skin and brown eyes
Soft to touch and ocean deep
Remind you of all you are...
To all you ever want to be
Salut to you
As you are free
And I am free
Yet together is a choice we make to be
Endlessly

So kiss me tenderly
Softly
Embrace me
Firmly,
Passionately
As there’s nowhere else I’d rather be
Than on this road
With an ode to joy
One that burns so resolutely
As if carved on stone
Hurled down from mount Sinai

Talk to me
Trust me
Open you heart and acknowledge me
The feeling that you feel
That cannot be removed or replaced
That has now become a part of you
Is me
Entwined
Within you

Hold my hand and walk with me
As you absorb the whole of me
Every inch in its entirety
To know that you are as one with me
Is truly as it’s meant to be
My heart beats with love for thee
Blood flows producing energy
For a life of joy
For a girl and a boy

Tell me
When you look at me
Exactly what you see

A spiritual Dawn...

I was told yesterday that I'm at a great period in my life.
That things will unfold and present themselves to me with effortless ease if I only trust

I was told that my age...43, (but anything 40’s really) is a significant time spiritually, as your 40’s is the time of spiritual growth and self determination.
I don’t think that’s why they say 'life begins at 40' but I’m sure there’s a link there somewhere.
I was speaking to a very lovely woman, who owns a very lovely shop... around my way.
She also told me 'a soul must find its counterpart to reach its totality... its completeness'... said it’s more ‘important... or is at least a 'stronger force' for women. (seems true... as men often don’t seem as fussed or at least don’t talk about it in the same way)

Truth is... it is an interesting time that’s for sure. My moods are up and down like a yo yo, what with the conflicting messages and emotions that often come my way.
Still...I was reminded yesterday that just because you feel someone else’s pain, confusion or anger... doesn’t mean you have to wear it.
I appreciated that
I felt she understood me. She was very kind and very wise... ‘old skl spiritual’ wise

She had spent years developing her spiritual understanding and it was evident, in her manner, and her speech.
She reminded me not to worry about 'money'( not that I even mentioned it)... that it holds no real value, and to never allow a perceived ‘lack’ of it, prevent you from doing what you want.. Do it... it will all be made possible for you.

Head or heart..

The lady in the shop said you should always follow your heart, and that if i want clarity on anything... ask the universe.. the best time of day for a girl called Dawna?... at 'Dawn'

Well.. i've been up a while just me and Dawn... still no clearer?.. okay... heart it is
Good morning world x
Have a nice day

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Dave and da man...



Dave.. 'hmmm maybe if I just keep pouring long enough he'll stop staring at me'

Man... 'look at him.. knows f' all about me and me life.. as if pouring some effin' milk suppose to compensate for a bunch of shit policies..'

Dave... 'still pouring...anyway..that hat looks ridiculous.. how the hell do these people expect to be taken seriously dressed like that... bastard new I was coming... you think he'd have made an effort'

Man... 'last time I wore a suit was at me nans funeral.. these tossers wear 'em for breakfast'

Dave... 'I'm going to have to speak to him soon.. right... what do I know about porridge... ooh I know... I used to eat it'

Man... 'I hope he doesn't try talk to me about porridge'

Dave... Will these photographers take a damn picture and leave already... this 'at ease look' is beginning to ache

Man... 'bell-end'

Dave.. 'great they're leaving.. tally ho.. where's jeeves... tell him bring the car around would you.. there's a dear..'

Beres Hammond..





Thought of the day... secrecy..and employment

If you got a job with M.I.5, could you continue to claim benefits?.. after all... noone is meant to know right?... no one... inc the 'authorities?':)
If that be the case.. would 'breaking the law' be considered a perk of the job?

Thought of the day... suspect..

A fire in a prison and no one can find the keys!?!...
Is that not tantamount to the mass murder of over 300 people?
Who will take responsibility for that?

Are there those who think it doesn't matter as they were prisoners?
Sickening!

Goodbyes.. 'Little ones' and Never Ending Love..

I was mesmerized by Whitney’s funeral yesterday. I thought she was given an amazing send off. The talent and love on display yesterday was truly inspiring.
I think there was something else on display there that is often blurred or shadowed by everyday life. But once in a while you look up...and there it is.

***

I’ve had my grandson with me. I pointed out Stevie wonder as he sang and he said...” I don’t know who that is!”. I said “listen and you will know”... To be fair... he’s only three.
Not as taken as me. Spot the Dog offered way more at that time

***
Even though it’s a bit chilly the sun is shining which makes me feel a whole lot better, and put me in the mood to begin to clear the garden/s a bit... front and back. Either that or it may just be a trip to the park to play.

***

I was thinking today that love doesn’t always come to you in the way you may expect. ( It can present you with a few challenges.. especially emotional ones) But when it does arrive at your door, there’s no denying that’s what it is.
Bless that gut wrenching, all consuming love I’ve talked about so often in the past, which I believe can serve any couple well, well enough to deal with any challenges that may come their way. I think that without it, it’s like going on a long journey without a full tank. It’ll only take you so far... but not all the way.

That... knock you off your feet love/passion that occurs in the first throws of love I believe occurs for a reason, and I truly believe it can be sustained...and need never fade away.

Those I know who ‘settled’ ( entered into a relationship without passion or real love) are unfortunately no longer happy. Yet they never were really happy, and they have since lost a little of their light/joy... especially when talking about love.

I believe we all possess certain frequencies and if we were able to see them, they would look perhaps a little like permanent electric currents in constant flow...that surround us, and sometimes... our currents connect with another... and that’s it... fits like a jigsaw
Yes.. a very poor attempt at describing a love connection I know but hopefully you got the picture, and that 'settling' is a force fit... possible for a while but quite tiresome.

Affairs of the heart
They seem easier when you’re younger as you don’t have as many responsibilities, or commitments as you do when you’re older, but yet, when you’re older, you have lived a bit... and therefore are more inclined to really know what you want

No one is ever to old to fall in love, and it's never to late to make changes..
Love can provide all the strength and courage that's needed..
Be happy
Happy SMSx

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Marrying for money pt 2.. clearer waters...

I gave it some more thought...
Quite often when people say that... maybe what they really mean is security... maybe it's not really the money, but the security, or safety it may award them.

I thought about other cultures, and the need to honour a dowry or bride price and again..it implies, or is about...securing a family, or family wealth, or tribe...

It sounds shallow when some people say it as it makes me think.. hey... they just want a man or woman for 'stuff'but.. it's possible that they hide behind that to divert attention away from their true need... to feel loved.. to feel safe.. to feel 'taken care of'

Maybe there's hope after all.....

Awww..mums on the internet again...and I so wanted to talk..

My son's funny.

This is he.. (must be.. if what he says is true.. more on that later)

He said to me this morning that he regrets hooking me up with an internet cable... as I... “don’t even talk to him anymore!”....
And by talk, I’m sure he’s hoping it will go something like this...
“Mum you got some money for clothes?
“Why of course son!”
“Skateboard stuff..?”
“Ah yes... a boy must skate after all!”
“Vans?”
“Ahh.. yes yes yes... absolutely... Vans are a must....here... take my bank card... go forth and shop!!”

Talk my arse...we talk everyday... and it can go something like this
“Ti... don’t forget to do the dishes!”
“Eh?”
“Don’t forget to take out the bin””
“But I didn’t fill it!”
Remember to sweep the yard....!”
“Eh?”
And perhaps... one out of three will be completed...
Talk...can be over rated....and unfulfilling
Other than re-naming me after animals or odd creatures... he’s selective with what he shares..

He’s taken to telling me I now look like an Argonian...
Some creature from some video game or another...



“Ah yes son...always a pleasure talking with you!...
I’ll just take my lizard looking self and check out the internet if it’s all the same to you.....unless of course you fancy helping me with the shopping... no?... didn’t think so.....!”

Yes he's funny alright..a regular comedian

Friday, 17 February 2012

Bunny Wailer ...Roots



Hello??.. is anybody there?... okay.. Dawna time...

I'm not sure what Dawna's feeling right now ( liar liar pants on fire!!)
I always know..
I was told that when you begin to speak of yourself in the third person it's a sign of something... something weird :)
Well.. let's see shall we..

Dawna's fed up and about to go to bed.
The Dawna that's fed up is the sweet Dawna, the one that feels she has every right to be treated like a princess and cannot abide rudeness
the Dawna that's keeping that Dawna calm is the more rational Dawna.. who kinda says.. f*** it... no big deal... don't sweat the small stuff girl..
Yet... there's the other Dawna who's acutely aware that the small stuff tends to become big stuff
Oh yes.. it can
Anyone keeping up with this?
You know it's all me right?...
Shit... it's Friday... I should be making use of that god damn dress..instead of talking about myself in the god damn third person..

Right now.. I may just watch a movie, and, like I said ... get to bed
unless I get a better offer
good nightx
sleep tight.... don't let the angels kick your ass.. ( i don't care that it doesn't rhyme...)x

Thought of the day..rehabilitation...

If a person is detained indefinitely.. or told they will never be released from prison.. isn't that also saying that prison doesn't work?.. or are we saying there are just some people who just can't be rehabilitated... ever

Murky waters... that marrying for the money thing..

I’ve had some very interesting conversations of late, with people who have told me straight they would marry for the money (male and female) and that marrying for love is rare and mugs game... and I should basically wake up and smell the coffee.
Please tell me we have not allowed ourselves to stoop so freakin’ low.
Please tell me that it’s your personality, your qualities, your character and your goodness, your connection to another, and pure old fashion falling in love , that is still the gold standard.

One comment made was ...”I need a rich man with integrity!”.
I asked...”Would a rich man with integrity marry a woman he knew was only marrying him for his money?”
I got no answer..

I know that people marry for all kinds of reasons... but money comes and money goes... love will last forever.
I don’t see why people often see it as and either or affair anyway
Either you marry for love or you marry for money...why?
Why not love, and build on money if you haven’t got it... shit... it aint rocket science
Another comment was...” I’d like a rock star!”... (so I offered up)... “why not a gangster?”
Oh no!”... (and then came that integrity word again)
“Hey” I said... you may find that the gangster has a lot more integrity than the rock star”

I mentioned the fact that there is a website available for women who want to meet and marry millionaires...
“Oh no!...she said... No websites!!... (that told me!) “I want someone to introduce me”
“Errr okay... good luck with that!”
To hear men and women so cynical is unpleasant to my ears.
It’s murky and I don’t like it.
Get a grip people

Dear god.. make mum happy x

It’s been a really long week and as a result I’m quite tired... 'over tired' you could say, to the point that I can’t sleep at night, yet still, i'm full of energy and wired enough to stay awake... (How odd)

Yesterday was my mum’s birthday.
I didn’t ask her how old she is. I know she’s 70 something... it’s either three, four or five.
By the time I got to my mum’s house her friends were beginning to leave.
I watched as my mum finally sat down to eat her own dinner, and wondered why she always did that.
Leave herself to last...

My mum has been working for others ever since she was a little girl, and I wonder ...if she has ever really truly known happiness.
Sure maybe she's had fleeting feelings of joy but I mean true happiness...not duty...not necessity... but happiness.
Somehow I think not... at least if she has... she’s kept it well hidden.

Mum has worked very hard... and sometimes I think... too hard.. why ?... for what?...does anyone really care?...and that’s not fair

So now...of all the things to desire...(of which there are many) I think I desire happiness most
There can certain selfishness in happiness though
Still, I love to be happy. I try to do things that make me feel good, be around others (from time to time) who bring me joy. My new dress for example... that made me happy ( even if it was temporary.. well...until I wear it!) Receiving a nice gesture makes me happy... to be honest simple things work for me.
Sad right?

But, unhappiness tags along like a bad smell sometimes, for how happy can you really be if you know your family or a family member or friend is upset or hurt, or.... you hear of some terrible event that has destroyed someone else’s life in a second?
You can’t be can you?
That stuff calls for empathy... yet the pain you feel on their behalf is real

I know happiness has it’s time and place...like everything else.
But when I look back at my life... I would like to feel content in the knowledge that ... I was truly happy...
Makes me feel sad that I can’t make my mum happy, even though she wants for very little.
She's never been the green eyed ‘wanty wanty’ type of woman.. and to be honest has been a great role model as a women in many ways. But shit. In the grand scheme of things.. who cares?...Life really aint fair is it?

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Happy Valentines Day xx.. ft Ruben Studdard..









Love this song so much..I thought i'd get the video in there!.. enjoy...x

Monday, 13 February 2012

Universally speaking...

I love speaking for people sometimes:)... more often than not ..nobody asks me to.. or quite possibly wants my opinion anyway :)..but it bubbles away inside of me ... deep down lol...
Anyway... many things have occurred of late... nice things, that lead me to feel the universe is working well.
Trust in the universe it’s said and what is for you won’t go by you. All you desire you come to you eventually etc etc...
Then I thought... hang on... what about when things aren’t working so well...
When things do not go in ‘our favour’... it’s rare to hear anyone speak of the universe working well then.. isn’t it.
But all things considered... maybe those times the universe is working at its best. We learn a lot when we challenge ourselves... do we not?

A friend said to me today that she feels she has been through her challenges in order that she is a much kinder and understanding person. And there’s much to be said for that. Often the kindest people I’ve met have been through hell. Some bairly have two pence to rub together to make a flame to heat their home... but they would welcome you or I, and make you tea, any day of the week
Whereas those who have been cushioned (relatively) from hardships can be spoilt unfeeling, uncaring, and selfish
All generalisations of course, but there is truth in there somewhere...should you wish to find it.
Whatever we may feel, the universe is always working perfectly well... all we need do is trust in it
It can be tough for an impatient and driven girl like me, but ... I’m learning... and you know what... takes a heck of a lot of stress away...
There’s something in that ‘every ting ire man’ attitude of the original Rasta’s
They have learnt to live without the desire for material wealth or too many trappings of modern life... they are called ‘trappings ‘ for a reason methinks... and it’s not that we should go forth and live freely holding our covenant with god.. in universal love and peace x

Sunday, 12 February 2012

Hot chocolate.. part 3...


Shhh... Don’t tell the kids...

In many ways this post is more of a question really...
A case study..
How much should parents tell their children? For example, should a woman ever tell her children that their father is, or was, a loser, a waste of space, a bastard and a womaniser?... or should she not?. Deciding instead to allow them to believe the best of their father and have his image and reputation in their minds ( at least) remain intact... after all... who wants to hear that, right?... the kids are bound to feel terrible... they are a part of their father..

Same applies to men...
Should a father ever tell his children, their mother was a slut and a cow?...and he couldn’t possibly have stayed even if he wanted to?... or not?... again preferring instead to leave the image of the mother intact... in the children’s eyes at least...
( I’ve witnessed some women slag off their exes brutally in front of the kids and it’s an uneasy thing to see, and hear..often the kids are still young .. but they can hear )
Others, however... think the children should be told....believing that they shouldn't be fed a pipe dream, and that if they know the truth, they’ll be better equipped to deal with life... and to manage the relationship with said parent)

What about sex?...
How much is too much?. Does it need to be discussed in a major way, or should children be allowed to explore and ‘discover’ like their generations before them?...
After all... intimate knowledge of the act of sex ( which they tend to pick up from school and TV shows) will not make them good lovers, or even capable of dealing with the emotions which accompany sex and love.
Should parents stop ‘making out’ (no pun intended) that they don’t ‘do it’ and relax and allow their children to witness physical expressions of love... (Kissing and cuddling people not the whole bloomin' shebang) so that when the children mature.. they are then more able to recreate that pattern in their own lives...
As parents we seem to talk a lot... I wonder though if we’re talking about the right things...

Don’t get me started on the older generation... they love to talk about funerals and illnesses, but ask them who your grandparents or uncles were and they clam up WTF... give you the edited version of your own blasted history every time...

It's been a day

Hug someone.. happy SMSx

Whitney Houston..

Whitney Houston has died
That was very sad news to receive in the early hours.
In memory of Whitney, I've picked songs to share with you that I have always loved which also happen to be movie soundtracks.. in two movies that I equally love.
The Bodyguard and Waiting to exhale..
I loved watching Whitney in movies
A amazing singer.. R.I.P



Saturday, 11 February 2012

Well.. If Harry doesn't want the England job.. there's still Hope... literally..

It's possible, that a woman is just what is needed to whip the boys into shape:))



Hope Powell.. hmmm we're a forward thinking nation are we not? .. do you think they'll even consider her?
If not.. why not?



*Now those are the poll results I'd like to see.. that way, perhaps we can really discover whether the fans really are a bunch of misogynistic racist arseholes... or whether.. they're really not:)


* forgive me.. I don't know much about football or the psychology of the average football fan... I just have a lay persons tiny interest :))

Dennis Brown...





Time to analyse my mood... a bit...

My home is okay but it’s not the best
There’s work to be done and either I lack the time or the funds to do what I need to do
My garden’s a mess... again
Although it wont take me long to transform it.. I can’t seem to keep it alive throughout the winter. Everything dies in the winter. Including me.
I have a dissertation to write which I really thought I would have finished by now.. it’s cool... it's not due till June but still

I feel misunderstood most of the time, and I’m not sure if it’s because I want to be or if it’s the choice that others make deliberately.. blindly
I still get lonely from time to time (but oddly enough only if I desire company)
Which means the cure for loneliness is not to desire company ,but purely to desire ones own company
I can be very hard on myself and judge myself harshly.. which may mean I do the same to others ( sorry if I do)
The weather doesn't make me feel pretty at all
So my vanity is feeling neglected...
I feel as though I’m climbing out of something.. very dark...like a well.. but the walls of the well are covered with slime, and barnacles are wrapped around my legs pulling me back and I need a knife to cut them from me. But I don’t have a knife. The knife is at the entrance or top of the well but it belongs to someone else and they wont let me have it.
Bastard...
Random...
I know that to focus on what you don’t have tends to heighten feelings of lack. Overshadowing what you do have.. blinding you to the truth.. eating away at your self esteem .. your joy, like a bloodthirsty leech. When really... there's nowt wrong with you

There's a part of me that almost wants to blame someone else... but... I think I'm upset with myself for getting upset..because I hate getting upset...
Why?...It's upsetting :))

Have a nice day x

Captains log; Stardate 11th Feb 2012..

I’m not in a good mood.
I can’t decide if it’s a bad mood... or a sad mood
Maybe by the end of the post...I will know

I’m in the kind of mood that makes me think I don’t care about anyone or anything
And that everyone is a complete and utter selfish bastard anyway
I’m in the kind of mood that makes me feel I want to hate. To cast out any inkling of love or compassion I may have because it’s futile.

My mood is not helped by the weather.
Right now... it’s fairly early...and I fucking hate the cold. The snow , no longer looks pretty to me, it’s now a pile of ice, which is a cover for dog poo and human spit.
Which is worse? The dog that has no control ...or the human who does.
There are times I think it may be common place in the not too distant future for humans to shit in the street also.
After all... they can’t seem to keep the spit in their nasty mouths

I’m in the kind of mood that makes me feel defensive.
Makes me feel like I have to guard myself against anyone who comes my way because they do not have my best interests at heart, and therefore cannot be trusted
I need to do some shopping but I refuse to step one foot outside in the cold today.
Especially if it involves carrying shopping bags.
So I will not be shopping.
The most I may muster up is a trip across the road....for the bare minimum
But anyone who lives with me will not eat as a result of anything I have done. I am not cooking... and quite frankly... I’m not hungry anyway.
I ‘m not sure what I will gain from being in this mood. But I don’t care. I don’t always feel the need to gain something.
I’m not ‘grabbalicious’.
Moods are funny things. Sometimes they creep up on you when you least expect it.
Me? I tend to teeter on the brink of being completely fucked off.
When I’m happy I’m happy when I’m not I’m not. Scratch that. This post must not contain the word 'happy' in it.
Happy is selfish; Its desire to consume your every waking moment every thought... thinking itself more important than any other emotion. .. Well it’s not.
Get thee behind me.
Happy is just one of many, and needs a reality check. Happy won’t save your ass in a war.
Hate now... or anger... just may.
I know why I’m in a bad mood. I always know if I’m honest.
My bad moods (aside from the god damn cold) are usually triggered by someone else’s bullshit. The type that becomes my bullshit. If I care enough.
Caring.
What the fuck is that?...
That six letter bastard word that we band about to make ourselves feel better.. reassured to hide the the fact that it's possible we really just dont give a damn..heathens that we are..
Caring.. is it perhaps overrated? Caring does very little.
Right now a heater would be more use to me...a heater and an au pair.
Than to care or be cared for.
A homeless man needs a home
A hungry man needs food
A jobless man needs a job
Caring..pah.
Did I tell you? I woke up in a bad fucking mood today?

Friday, 10 February 2012

Not afraid to die..

Whether we know it or not our bodies begin preparing for it the moment we are born...
Our minds however lag way behind.

It’s understandable. We become attached to things or people and never want to let them go
(A very over simplified analysis of the fear and resistance of death)
Apparently there are 5 stages of grief... (Remember... when you’re dead you don’t have to worry about all that.. so who gives?)
Now I’m not being funny but I’ve been through those stages many times in my life and it did not involve any actually deaths...
I think they can be renamed the 5 stages of life and be plausible..
In fact... when faced with the death of my father I experienced an eerie calm... and detachment
Shit... I must be an absolute 'unfeeling' nutter under here!!

I remember when I was younger..I thought I would die at 26. Then that shifted to 32.
I was wrong both times ... so I no longer try and predict...
In fact... I would like to go on for awhile yet... but I don’t fear death
Not knowing how is another matter... and can freak one out a bit but hey...
Death and taxes and all that... well..ahem... Unless you’re very rich and have ‘friends in high places perhaps...
Still .. the road to hell... :-)x

Hot Chocolate.. pt 2


You're a long time dead..
I wanted to offer a good strong death quote... this is the one I liked..
Nothing like a good strong death quote to get us to rethink life...

"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time." ~Mark Twain

I'm not going to talk about the 'real meaning' behind St Valentines day.. or even the commercialisation of it all..

No... Instead I'm going to talk about the meanness of man.. and the occasional denial of women
I know some men who don't 'celebrate' anything... at least .. that's what they tell their other halves..
Truth is.. they're just too mean lazy and selfish to give a damn.. I've heard some men say things like.. "cha!!.. Valentines day? you shouldn't have to wait for Valentines day to show someone you love them"... but yet they barely even know their child's middle name.. purleazee.. are these the same men who buy into commercialisation when it involves a new gadget they've been eyeing.. or perhaps an over priced, over hyped car..."Hey!!...driver!!... stop ... let me off this train already!.. i'm feeling sick!!".

Then you have women who say they don't' 'care'...
O-kay show me a woman that doesn't want to receive an expression of love or affection...

"Hey...driver!!!... anytime now!!...you know the drill..."
Anyway...

Everything in balance... all things considered...
enjoy your life.. you may come back as a Mayfly x

Hot chocolate... pt 1...

I’m trying to fight the urge to overeat.
It's comfort eating
My discomfort?...it's the cold... it’s very cold... so I eat
But not ‘food’ necessarily...
Junk
Crisps or pretty much anything with sugar in it
Somehow, a salad in the winter is like ice cream in the winter for me...
'Madness!!'.. utter madness!!

However, as I have no major desire to gain weight, I need to get a grip... although I was told a few weeks back that I was slightly under (I don’t see how that could be .. as I’ve weighed pretty much the same for many years) But when I produced my arm for the doctor to check my pressure she went.. “Oh!!... we don’t get many that size!!”.. hmmm... I’ll have to ... hang on a minute...”
Then she reached around for the other ‘armband’ thing.
When she showed me the one she uses most days it was the size of my upper thigh!
(with room to breathe )...
Rahtid!!...
So... I have a feeling I’m not the only one comfort eating...
Lots of ‘cold’ people in London eh..hehe..:)) wrap up warm x

Talk that Talk ; Rihanna ft Jay Z... TGFH.. been a long week:))

Worked it out?.. yep..thank god Friday's here:))...

Thursday, 9 February 2012

Women Under Siege ..

Is a new website launched this week documenting sexual violence against women particularly in war zones. For an interesting Q&A with it's co founder, and to take a look at the site click here
"We have to know what's wrong, to change what's wrong"...

Fabio Capello resigned... yipeee..

An England football team without a manager... classic.

I think they should just 'roll up' on match days kick the ball about and score some goals, then go to the pub and have a pint ( and perhaps a lap dance)
Culture...I have a feeling they may perform much better :-)

Capello was being paid shed loads of money, and the team performed ( in my humble opinion) at their worst!... shameful

When he appeared to be ‘backing’ J.T with regards to those ‘racist ‘ claims I felt he should have gone... so... I’m glad he has
I quite like Harry Redknapp ( at the mo) Paul Ince( doubt it) or that other fella ( you know...the one who missed a penalty against Germany that time ( that narrows it down lol!!)... can’t remember his name for the life of me
Anyway
I remember some talk that a Brit should lead the team.. and you know what?... I’m gonna agree with that on this occasion..
Even though I don’t think any of the African teams have African managers... do they? ... ( I’m not that up on footy )
Somebody please... say it aint so...

Football eh... I refuse to take it seriously

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Do as I say not as I do...

Is there any merit in that phrase?

We all know we’re not perfect but when we utter those words is it a cop out?
Is it a way of absolving ourselves of doing as we know we should with one lame excuse after another?
Even when we say ‘hey I’m not perfect’ isn’t that a bit of a copout also?.. for surely we state the obvious.. no?

Once we know enough to be able to inform another of a better or perhaps more productive positive or fruitful path...why then do we not take it ourselves?
Are we a bunch of ‘altruists’ who just live purely to see others happy whilst we stagnate in personal unhappiness?
I’m not sure, but somehow... I don’t think so
'Do as I say not as I do', I think I’ll file under another one of those ‘things that grate’
Surely the only genuine response to that is the title of Reggie’s latest post.

Why should anyone listen to us if we do not practice what we preach?
Would you take matchmaking advice from a 'lonely' (if they are) and miserable (if they are) singleton...? or... from someone who has successfully found a match...?
Would you take grooming tips from a self proclaimed ‘tramp’?.. or take anger management classes from a prolific wife beater?.. or give an active burglar/ well know ‘tea leaf’ a job as a key cutter?... you get my point I’m sure...

Yet still... on the fip side... as there’s always a flip side.. no?

Do we always need proof of something to know of its existence?
Can a wise man not be foolish and a foolish man wise?
By that I mean... many stumble and fall, but their experiences can teach many, so yeah... Maybe there is wisdom in that irksome overused phrase after all..

Sunday, 5 February 2012

Lynden David Hall..







Things that make me smile..inside and out

I mentioned things that 'grate' on me (annoy) yesterday and even I thought wow.. there are lots of things that tick me off.. so today I thought.. well hang on...what do I actually like?... and was pleased to find that I was able to begin reeling off a list with ease which means I actually like a lot more than things than not...

In fact.... I could go on and on with this list so here are a just a few....
Reasons to be happy, and things I actually like....
Laughing
Love
Romance
Giving and receiving presents
Kissing
Food
Guinness punch
'Decent' red wine
Children
Babies
Friendships
Family
Touching
Books
Learning
Balance
Horses (thought I’d put one animal in to reflect the other list)
Music
Playing around
Spring & summer
Theatre/plays/drama/films
Feeling as though my life has a purpose
Caring about someone or something other than myself

Good to have a balance right?.. there are benfits of, and to.. both:-)

It's cold but the Snow looks lovely.. :-)

The snow has arrived and settled ... and it looks beautiful outside...

So far it’s a lovely day, and I’m feeling a whole lot better than I did last night... which I’m grateful for
Calm has descended on me, yet I’m still very alert and aware of all else...
I think the calm is reasoning with the storm I guess
So long as I’m not about to tear anyone a new arsehole it’s okay :-))

Days like this you just want to cuddle up inside, have a nice meal and watch a movie...
Alternatively you can wrap up warm and take a walk in a nearby park... the walk may even be the best option as it doesn’t snow every day... looks very nice... and you can throw snowballs at each other anytime annoyance creeps in ( or just for the fun of it)



Then... you can come back and still enjoy option 2...

Me? I’m not sure what I’m gonna do today... the only sure thing is cook a meal... which I’m about to get cracking on early....
I finally have a reason to get out those new Wellies ( I originally wrote willies.. where’s Freud when you need him!!) I bought in the Autumn... they have flowers ( or something like that all over them and are quite cute) and I received a student discount, which is a 1st for me...

Coolest boot wearer....



Tell you what though... I’ve been asked if I have a student card many times in ‘Top Shop’ so that’s a good sign... when they stop asking I’ll know i need to rest a bit.. .. go extra with the cocoa butter... or something..:))

Enjoy the snow..

Happy SMSx

Saturday, 4 February 2012

Emotions exist to be felt...

I'm quite comfortable with my emotions...
Quite happy to express them, feel them, wallow in them on occasion... and why not?...
They belong to me and they’re real to me...
What may trigger a surge of emotion could be either truth or fallacy... but the emotion itself is real enough
Why am I saying this?

Well because often it’s implied that we should suppress our emotions... be diplomatic, stoic... etc ect...
Often we’re told to show emotion is a weakness... unless you’re an MD of a large company and the emotion is hard arsed aggression (then its okay.. hmmm just not recommended for the heart perhaps)...

I’m told that things that bother us are a reflection of that which we harbour in ourselves...
If that be true... I must be harbouring a whole lot of stuff... because lots of things grate on me...
Things that grate
1. Fake ass people who don’t practice what they preach.... aka insincerity
2. Male on female domestic violence (yeah men get beat too but not as often... just so you know... I don’t like that either)
3. Dishonesty (which is different to being insincere... I think
4. Pigeons
5. Time sheets
6. Having to ask for something twice.. or thrice (that's my limit:)
7. Food packed with way too much ‘hidden’ salts or sugars
8. Rape as a weapon of war... well any rape really but I’m particularly disgusted with that
9. War... it’s really not the answer.. when will we learn
10. Dogma
11. Spiteful or bitchiness
I’ll stop there but you get my drift...

So... If these things bother me... it apparently says something about me...
What?...angry girl?.. too emotional? too sensitive? who knows

Still...don’t knock anger... it can be very useful indeed if used correctly.. felt it on and off for years.. and not a war in sight :-)

Captains log; Stardate 4th February 2012...Entry?..Piss takers...

I'm not in a particularly good mood.
No... In fact... I’m feeling a bit f'ed off to be honest..
Piss takers... what's that about?

Just why do some people take the piss?
Someone's going to offer up “because they can" and tick me the hell off even more right?!?... hold that thought... don't wanna hear it

Listen... what kind of world would we be living in if everyone had to go around distrustful of everyone else... aka trust at your peril... and only saw the bad in others... refused to give anyone the benefit of the doubt.. or even respected them as human beings..

Oh that's right... this kind of world... silly me

I'm disgusted that piss takers hide behind poor excuses, lies, and complete and utter f***ery...

Straight up... if you ever meet me, and intend to take the piss... don't even bother... just walk on right by... because my tolerance level just shot right down to fucking 0.

(I have a feeling the event I attended was the tipping point... for what I consider to be a complete breakdown of human f****** decency)

Piss takers?... utter pricks...
Do me a favour... when you go about your daily life over the coming days, weeks , months.. and you see an opportunity to exploit or take the piss... honour yourself... honour god...let it be...

Let's at least try and be better people.. or not... I guess the choice rests with us.. and everyone is free to do whatever the hell they please...

....whe Scotty deh?.....

F.G.M / female genital mutilation..aka 'Cutting'...

I attended an event today about FGM

Oh lordy
It was actually a great event.. very informative speakers, including women who gave first hand accounts of how it has affected them in their lives, and why they now speak out against it

Several reasons for it's continued practice were discussed such as...

An uncut woman is unclean, and will not be able to marry
Men prefer it tight
It's cultural
It's religious
Tradition..
and many more

all of which were rightly dismissed by the Doctor as total rubbish...
He talked about the various types of FGM

All the men present spoke out against it, and would never want that to happen to their daughters...and they were also baffled at what was referred to as heightened sexual pleasure supposedly gained by the men
In fact.. they were horrified

When a woman's only option in life is to marry a man.. that's not an option
surely an option means choice..
Many of these women have no choice
But if enough of them stand up for what's right and say no... it will stop

If all girls remained 'uncut' these 'men' would have no choice but to take one of them as his bride..

It would appear that FGM is also about control
It's aim to ensure that the woman gains no pleasure from sex, and to curb her sexual desire ( limiting her chance of ever desiring another man no doubt)

Eughhh.. so many thoughts and emotions I went through hearing these stories
and we wonder why some communities seem 'isolated'

A lot of things are occurring under our very noses, which often takes precedence over things like education or jobs..

For some of these women... coping with every day uses all the energy they have

Someone mentioned a common thread... get cut.. marry young ( or child marriage) endure domestic violence

Not cool... no matter how some may want to dress it up

Tradition






*warning .. contains some graphic images*


ps I forgot to mention earlier that in the UK FGM is against the law, and anyone found out to be arranging it, engaging in it/conducting it, can be sent to prison for up to 14years.. although no one has been prosecuted yet)

Konshens time....







Friday, 3 February 2012

D'banj.. Oliver Twist...lovin' this tune like crazy :) TGIFxx

The guys in the vid are crackin' me up..
Chrome posted a great one rececently... girl can sure dance:))

Have a great day..x