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Saturday, 31 March 2012

Rainbow Country... Bob Marley



The hopeless romantic?...

Is a phrase you often hear used to describe those of a romantic nature.
I’m a romantic.
But not hopeless.
I am actually filled with hope. The hopeful romantic if you like.
I like to encourage others to open their hearts to endless possibilities and not build a wall around it...as walls... work both ways.

The person in my life said he needs time and space to sort himself out, and I panicked.
Time and space!?!. Why would anyone need time and space from me!?!... This cute and charming girl, loving and kind... is he crazy?
Truth is, he’s not crazy. He does.

One of my closest friends came around the other day armed with two books.
One was The road less travelled, and the other? ..The Kama Sutra!... I kid... it wasn’t the Kama Sutra... it was a book called; Women who love too much.
The book is filled with case stories about male and female relationships and why we often make the choices we do.
The title of the book betrays its content. It’s actually a very insightful book.
I found elements of myself between the pages of that book in varying degrees... and It prompted me to ask myself questions also.

We talked.
She pulled out a bottle of white wine from her bag. I’m not big on drink and never drink white wine but thought... one glass wouldn’t hurt.
I appreciated her warmth.

She asked me what the problem was
I said I missed him (it had only been a day!)
“So what do you miss about him?”
I told her.
“His voice, face, company, smile, eyes, touch, laugher , thoughts, his theories, the way he looks at me, his scent, the way he holds my hand, kisses my hand, laughs at my jokes, is intrigued by me, the thought he could be my husband, the thoughts and plans, discussions, our potential future ... him”
“hmmm...sounds crazy” she said... “but try and enjoy those thoughts!... Don’t think you will never have them again or that you don’t have them now, just think about them and enjoy what you have experienced together”
She took a sip of wine... and continued...
“If he loves you ... he will be back...” she read my mind ... “and if he doesn’t ... you will know!
"Why can’t he just do what I want?"... I sighed...
“and what do you want him to do?” asked
I looked at her... “I want him to sort himself out!”
I sipped some wine... and read hers
She laughed... “In a way perhaps you both want the same thing... you see you can’t control people or situations... she said “if you love someone you have to let them do what is needed... what they want...
Let him go... it’s as I said earlier... if he loves you he will return
Her insight was agreeable to me... and disagreeable in equal measure... perhaps it was the wine.
Then she asked
“In any case... do you not have things to do?... a dissertation to submit?... are you not supposed to be returning to the studio after you long hiatus?.. .are these things not equally important in your life and what you want your life to be?... do you not need time and space too?
I knew she was right... I do need time
And that I should trust him.. trust us... and recognise that life is not linear.

We talked awhile longer... sipped some more wine... until my eyes began to close... and it was time to call it a night.
The next day I awoke with a raging headache to accompany me to work.

White wine... it really doesn’t agree with me

Friday, 30 March 2012

Soul Rebel.. The Wailers

The 1st day... of the rest of my life..

Every day presents us with an opportunity for personal growth. Situations or challenges that force us to look within ourselves and make a change... to challenge our assumptions, biases, idealism's... and root us from spiritual stagnation. Sometimes we choose it. Other times... it’s chosen for us...and we're dragged kicking and screaming into the face of change.
It can be a painful thing.

About 10years ago I bought a book called; A Course in Miracles (Foundation for Inner Peace). It was at a time when I was discovering myself, and through reading other books, I came across what I knew... would hold serious lessons for me.
I never read it.
I scanned it. I recognised it’s value and vowed that I would commit myself to the book in earnest. I felt I had stumbled upon something great. .. yet... I couldn’t read it.
I guess it wasn't my time.
Today... I took the book off the shelf.
Now... I am ready.
You see I am tired. Tired of experiencing bouts of happiness punctuated with bouts of unhappiness, depression, then back to joy.
I recognise the happiness I seek, can only be found in me.
It is not tied up in the actions of another. It cannot be created by another. It lives within me.
I realise that the only way for me to experience the kind of joy I have sought for so long is to learn the lessons that life has been trying so long to teach me.

I need to let go of the childish need to control things, people, or situations.
I need to recognise what is real and what isn’t. I need to recognise that I too have been brainwashed over time to believe in an image or concept of love that isn’t real.
Concepts perpetuated through the media, and belief systems on mass.
I know that without this knowledge, and self discovery, I will never experience real love.
I know that I am loved. Yet often I fail to recognise it.
Why?
Because it hasn’t always done and said what I want, when I want.
That is not love.
I’m fortunate to have the job that I have, as through my interactions with others I learn a great deal.
They tell me about their personal struggles, and I marvel at their strength and wisdom in overcoming them.
They come to me for help... yet I should thank them every day for helping me.

I have long felt that I’m not what many would call a 'conventional girl'. I’ve always felt a little odd and that’s okay.
Yet I have also come to realise that despite knowing that, I have fought against it, trying fervently to cultivate a conventional life.
Trying to short cut my way through life by not having the respect for my own calling, and committing myself to my path... my journey.. my life.
The longer I continue to deny or avoid who I am, the longer confusion, pain, and that feeling of insecurity and un-surety shall remain.
Enough

It’s hypocritical of me to desire any companion with qualities that I lack, only partially have, or have not fully commited to.
I must be those things which I seek
I must be who I am.
Often not getting what we want when we want it. Is getting what we need... when we need it.
I realise that today more than ever.

I now have a few weeks of much needed time off.
This is a time for me to reflect, study, pray, enjoy learning, enjoy life.. moment by moment
To enjoy the company of others when it’s there, and enjoy solitude when it’s not.
It’s been a tough few days
But I guess I’m finally discovering Dawna

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

the softer side of girls...

I'm a Libran.. some of you may think all that is nonsense, but I do tend to like balance... and whenever I read about Libran traits, I also recognise those traits in myself..

Anyway... that post.. the dark side... needs to be balanced... it needs... something..

So... I'd like to share with you that women also posses... an innate ability to love. Our bodies are designed to nurture life, and when this ability to love is applied to most things in life... it has the power to soothe disgruntled hearts and minds, and heal wounds deeper than flesh.

This eclipses what I have previously termed... the dark side
The softer side of girls makes us want to hug another... makes us call a girlfriend in the knowledge we'll receive comfort...
we cry at movies, love rom coms.. relate to Bridget Jones and forgive our boyfriends.. even when we say we wont.
makes us want to care for another

It's the side that reminds us of the joy of humanity
In truth.. women are complex.. possibly the worlds most enjoyable puzzle..

I hope you agree... :)

96 Degrees... Third World..

We're nowhere near that in terms of heat but this song did spring to mind.. always does when it gets hot :)
i've always love the guitar solo...

Hot Hot Hot

Wow it’s so hot outside.
It's amazing
It’s not long distance walking weather, which I found out the hard way
It is ... cool drink ... a nice stroll, and easy conversation weather

Hope you enjoy yours

The dark side of girls..

I’m quite a gentle caring sort of person... most times:) But I know that if pushed I could have a temper. It’s not infrequent for me to feel angry about something,.. But a person would have to really violate something dear to me for me to tread the path of making it a lived reality.

I know it's there, so I never really go there. Like most people I guess, the more we know ourselves, the more we steer clear of situations likely to bring certain (more unpleasant aspects) of our nature to the fore.
The more we know ourselves, the more we learn to manage our behaviour.
Why?
Consequences I guess... the risk of somebody getting hurt... and love

But I want to talk about girls for a moment. Women.
Most of us have seen images of men carrying out some atrocious acts, and many of us also feel that men have a tendency to war mongering, whereas women possess a tendency to seek other non violent solutions but...
Do women not have the same propensity to violence as men?
There is a possibility that it may (if unleashed) be even greater. Having been suppressed for so long.. that little curve ball.. that lethal weapon in the armoury nobody expects.

That nobody believes exists...

It's a bit like saying Elvis is alive and was seen shopping in Calais... outside of an Elvis fan... not many people would believe that!.

Is there an unexplored dark side to women that men fear?
Do we as women, all know it, and is that why we often view each other as potential combatants?
Women are weary... of women
And perhaps with good reason
Where some see genteel
We often see something entirely different
And we fear it not.
underestimate it not

the dark side of girls...

Chris Martin, Cecile, I Octane

Love I Octanes style.....



Monday, 26 March 2012

Thought of the day...The soul..

There are days when I feel my soul has walked this earth before
Has seen and experienced things I couldn't have possibly have done in this lifetime

Have you ever felt like that?

My thought of today is about us... as gods
How many of us only live out a fraction of our potential

Do you think everyone has a calling in life?

Embrace the god within.. for without it.. we are lost

Thought of the day... last nights chicken

Who the hell ate last night’s chicken is what I really want to shout
I don’t even eat meat but I know I cooked enough for two days... so I'm not cooking chicken again today.
Don’t you just hate that?
Would it be wrong to put a lock on the kitchen door?...
Laminate a big sign that says... 'Eat the chicken for tomorrow’s dinner today.. and you will go hungry tomorrow'?
Wire up the pot lit to the electrics so anyone trying to lift the lid gets a shock?
Buy a pit bull terrier, and train it to guard the pot?
Hire G4 trained security, to guard the kitchen at night?
Damn...
The pot... is cleannnnnn.

Happy Monday

Sunday, 25 March 2012

The Isley Brothers... At your best (you are love)

Forbidden black love...


They say we must not fall in love
They say we must not speak to each other
Touch each other
See ... or acknowledge each other
In any way

They say together we are too much...
and that we cannot be trusted
They say if we continue...
They’ll kill us both
They'll make a show of it
And no one will care
Because we’re easily replaceable



They say I’m to bear another mans children
And you... have work to do
They ripped you away from me in broad daylight
and when I cried... they beat me
I never cried again.


I saw you a few times after that but knew better than to even try and catch your eye
I saw a man kick you... and I hated him




In my dreams I wondered if I’d ever see you again
Talk to you
Laugh with you
If we’d ever embrace...
In my dreams we are man and wife
And forced as I was to bear another mans children
My dream remained
Oh how I wished you were their father
And we could be a family

Yet even the children are gone
They took everything from me....






I saw you once in Tesco’s last year
I waved... but alas



You really didn’t recognise me
You really don’t know me anymore

I wanted to say
Its okay now...
But In your mind
It’s still forbidden

By the beach..

It’s cool by the sea
So you wrap your jacket around me to keep me warm
You only have a tee-shirt on so now... I worry
Worry that you should feel cold
You say you’re never cold with me
That you are warmed by my love
Energised by my touch
You hold my hand
And I feel it too
Warmth
Together we enjoy time and space
Watch the expanse of the sea
The sky
We watch children enjoy their youth
And elderly couples enjoy every second of time left together
Time stops for a moment as you look at me
Call me your queen as you are my king
I close my eyes
Feel the softness of your lips
Together we reclaim our kingdom
On a bench ... by the sea
This man god carries the world on his shoulders
I watch for a moment as he puts it down
Then smiles
Sweet prince
Amidst all that..
How did you find me?

Another glorious day.. Happy SMS x

Saturday, 24 March 2012

'If I had a son... he'd be Black'..

'Sometimes.. who knows.. he may even wear a hoodie
Do you think it would be okay for you, to annihilate my child?... you racist arseholes?
Do I look like some kinda *House f****** N****** * to y'all is that it?.. no?
Then for gods sake... stop killing my god damn people as if it aint shit...
and stop using the so called 'law' to mask this bullshit... or else things gonna get real ugly up around here... here what i'm saying??.. cracker*****....'

*Things Obama may wish he could say?*

I only heard of Treyvons story today... damn

Other peoples battles...

I was in a really bad relationship once... and I mean, really bad.
Looking back it was a bit of a horror story but at the time, as young and naive as I was, I didn’t fully comprehend the warning signs, or understand what was going on. I quickly found out that it was 'bad' for me to be smart, look too nice... have a talent, or to say too much.
I noticed slowly but surely my world getting smaller and smaller, and friendships outside of the home were frowned upon, and my family not welcome.
I slowly began to realise the controlling nature of the relationship, and that the person was extremely insecure... which was a trigger for many other negative emotions, and ways of being.
I though I would lose my life in that relationship... either literally, or I would end up inside.
One of us...I honestly thought... would die.

It became a violent relationship, and I quickly realised that the 'worst' thing one can do in that situation often, is to fight back, as the violence increases in intensity and frequency.
Better to walk away.
I didn’t tell anyone, for the longest time... in fact... i'm not sure I ever did.
Most people knew though... as it used to spill out into the street in front of neighbours (anyone really)... and I quickly learnt that embarrassment is another tool often used by one, to control another.

My dad.
My dad helped me, and the rest of my family to be fair.
then, one night,it happened, I was ready.
At around four in the morning I packed a bag, picked up my child and walked the two miles to my brother’s house.
Then I was free... ish
It took the police, the courts, and an incident with my father to all come to pass, hostels and temporary accommodation, before finding a place and getting a job before it was all consigned to history... and a lesson learnt.

I must have frustrated the hell out of people around me. Most could not understand how I, of all people, would even be in that situation, let alone remain in it.
They couldn't fight my battle. I had to fight it
When I finally found the courage, I had an army of people there to support me... how could I not have seen it before?
Because abuse is like that.
It messes with your mind. It makes you think you can’t cope if you walk away.
it makes you afraid of the consequences if you do.
All is well now though as that was many years ago. I get along well with my ex, and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me should I require it.
It's possible that had I not have made that break, I would not be able to enjoy my life as I do today... and oddly enough... perhaps... neither would he
It could have all been very different.

I don’t know why I wrote this.
I sat down to write something entirely different... then... out it came
Enjoy your Saturday

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Mad Men and Drunks....

Mad Men and Drunks love me.
Now I’m not saying other men don’t love me but... okay... let me rephrase this... mad men and drunks aren’t afraid to talk to me... they aren’t afraid to ... make... comments.
It ranges from... 'you’re so beautiful'... to ... 'go on darlin’... give us a wiggle'...O-kay... how about... not.

Now those who are big on the law of attraction may say something along the lines of... well that’s a no brainer Dawna... you are obviously mad... and a drunk...
Errr....let’s skip the ABC of the law of attraction for a moment you cheeky gits and go a little deeper shall we?
Two things I struggle to deal with in life? things I've been a little scornful of perhaps? ...yes you’ve guessed it.. Mad Men and Drunks...
It is entirely possible therefore that their love of me, is 'gods' way of teaching me to appreciate them and see them in a way I had not done before... to look beyond the scorn and see the human that exists before me...
They come to me... so I can’t continue to avoid them...
It's a theory

There is also a part of me that thinks it may just be possible that the most honest men you’re ever likely to find is... yes you’ve guessed it... Mad Men and Drunks...
Mad Men and Drunks express emotion in a way that a regular fella struggles to do.
They can’t hide behind flashy clothes and cars... there is no hiding place for them. What you see is what you get.
They laugh, they cry, they talk, they share their feelings openly without fear.
Yes... Mad Men and Drunks... can teach us a thing or two.

Disclaimer 1. this does not apply to those who have really lost it... sad state of affairs that
Disclaimer 2... I’m not completely cured yet..work in progress

Jennifer Hudson.. tune's so good it deserves double billing ChilledLeo!!!

I love Spring...

I really love spring. It’s my favourite time of the year.

It’s a time of new beginnings, when I can begin to plant things, and watch them grow, the sun is shining, and the energy felt as a result is something I thrive off.
I love flowers... all flowers..

I love birdsong in the early hours of the morning, just before dawn
I love the fact I can wear fewer clothes, and feel the sun on my arms and legs.
I love the way my skin glows.. an easy dark brown.
I love the way people smile
I love the way I can hang out in my front yard and watch the world go by even after dark, and not need a jacket.
I love the smell of the disinfectant left on my paving as I wash and sweep away footprints..
I love the new clothes in shop windows, buying new shoes, sandals and dresses; earrings and bangles
I love the way gastro pubs fill up and the pavements become awash with people, milling around and enjoying each other s company.
I love the fact that a walk in the park can turn out to be one of the best days...cool breeze and a park bench, or laying back on the grass.

I will be digging the soil in my back yard over the coming days. I will be spring cleaning..
Spring is when I feel to hang out in a studio all day...then go home feeling filled with creative energy
I have a lot to do, and will be having some much needed time off

I hope I will be happy this Spring
Happy spring x

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Playground talk.. and some chit chat..

'Swings and roundabouts'

I didn’t know that saying means; ‘things will balance out in the end’. I didn’t realise that it meant ‘what you lose on the swings, you gain on the roundabout’. I thought it meant... here we go again...
Life is a bit like a play ground at times, and in many ways we’re just all children deep down...with some of us it's...errr...not so deep downlol...
Is it as fun?.. It can be... but it can be miserable too.
The reality is that life isn’t a picnic for many adults, and childhood isn’t so great for lots of children.
But there is truth in that saying.
The trouble is that sometimes... we want it all... and we want it all now... like children.
Often we fail to realise what we will gain... so we tend to focus on what we may lose.
Why?... I'm not sure
Life is what you make it? (cliché?)... perhaps...
It’s not only what you make it, as life can rarely be lived without interacting with others... and they can and will impact on your life, whether you realise it or not.
Life is what you make it is a selfish and insular idiom that's (even though sometimes it’s what is required) often found between the pages of a self help book. Yet to be fair, it can offer real comfort, when comfort is required...
Life is what it is... with all its ups and downs... many say the making of us is how we respond to those challenges.. life... is a see-saw... ( and remember not having anyone at the other end of that?.. yes...boring! .. it doesn’t work!..remember the work you had to put in to get the thing to move?... and then you gave up?....
Still most times situations are of our making... no doubt.
Got to be honest about that

****

Courage

I want to talk briefly about courage and ask.. how courageous are you?... really.
Do we become less courageous the more we feel we have to lose?... The older we get?...Do we become too tired and worn out to become courageous?...Can true courage only be measured by the amount one has at stake?... the level of fear to overcome?
Is courage when you acknowledge the fear..you may be shit scared... but do it anyway?
Courage is something worthwhile.

****

Men

...don’t understand ‘em:)


( I want one of you guys to explain manhood to me in a nutshell(no pun intended), why you behave the way you do , think the way you think, and what .. ( if anything) you feel... feel free..I'm interested... y'all intrigue me)
Over to you.....

Don't say us women never let you talk!!!

The Police...

I was a big fan of the Police growing up ( the band ).. bought their albums etc.. never saw them live though... funny .. all very accomplished musicians but apparently fought like cat and dog... go figure... maybe it was the ego thing... maybe it was just part of growing up....

I remember I'd play this stuff and my bro would seem to slide the Dennis Brown albums a little closer lol... (any roots album would do... really... he needn't have worried... he should have known I'd get there lol)

I still like these tracks and think the police were a great band.
I may not longer have the posters on the wall like in days of old, but the love of the music stuck..

I know people who can't stand Sting and say he's an arrogant ass.. but even if that be the case... when he steps up to do his thing I really can't fault him..










Shape of my heart .. Sting

Woke up with this song in my head today...
There's an acoustic version on this blog somewhere.. what the heck... it's a great song... i'm really feeling it today.. have a nice day

Monday, 19 March 2012

Monday Monday....

Another week is upon us
I hope you all have a good one
I really like Simones post at Chocolate Covered Daydreams.
Some people live their whole lives and never find a love like that, so Simone... (as I’m sure you know) you are very blessed indeed.

I will take up the challenge, and at the very least consider the things in my life I have to be grateful for, things that I cherish
Often it’s the things we don’t like that tend to grab our focus and zap our energy. So I’m trying to reverse that.
An old lady said something to me in a garden centre the other day and I hope she’s right.
Don’t you just love when people out of nowhere come up and tell you things... ‘gods’ little ‘angels’ are everywhere. Walking among us. Could even be us, in the eyes of another.
I love old people.
So... I’ll try and stop ‘navel gazing’ long enough to look up, maybe even smile.

Have a nice day and week ahead x
love you allxx

Sunday, 18 March 2012

The Lioness... roarrrrrrrr:).. or is it a Tiger?..


Never too old I guess :)
Thank youx

Happy Mother’s Day..Mums x

You know I forgot all about it?
Well until yesterday... when I was reminded..
Anyway...

I’ve never had any sort of 'special thing' on that day...
The odd card, greeting from the ‘kids’ that kind of thing...
I have always refrained from stating the obvious. "If you wanted me to be ‘happy’ you’d do as I say... do the dishes and hoovering. Tidy your room, take out the bins and all that jazz without me ever having to say a word"... No... I refrain from all that, as to say such things would spoil the gesture they are wanting to make.
It’s a nice gesture.
Thank you kids.

***
Anyway. I want to talk about black African Caribbean mothers for a moment, and ask a few questions. Some to be fair, are just comments really, and relate to the female of the species, mothers or not.

Question 1
Why do black women slap themselves on the tops of their heads in public? I saw a woman do it in Argos yesterday and it looked utterly ridiculous... (Is it the itching thing?)

Why do some think that the way to dance with a man is... not to face him (as is the way I’ve always known it) but to turn their backs, (rude?) then begin to gyrate the buttocks in a circular motion? Is that really dancing together?... can you do that to a Lionel Richie song? ...hmmm show me please

Many black mothers like to know how old a child can be before we can legally send them to the shops... and that will be to actually do the shopping. Self raising flour (for dumplings) Yams, plantain... what do you think? 7yrs?

For years my own mother used Oil of Ulay to stay young and fresh... how odd... every black woman knows its cocoa butter.. ( shucks... I think mum raised me like a white girl... Oil of Ulay?... W.T.F!?!)

Forget ‘Tiger mums’ black women are like true warriors when it comes to their children... (No matter how old they become)... well... that’s how it used to be anyway

Breakfast in bed? No... crumbs in the bed are unpleasant. We will bathe, dress nicely, go downstairs and eat at the table like normal people.

Mothers day sex? That’s more on point (no pun intended).. but hang on.. isn't that how we became mothers in the first place...

Black women like most (if not all) women want to be taken somewhere nice and treated like princesses...or just simply enjoy being adored

So on a day like mother’s day, the best gift may simply be... to be around... offering hugs and kisses at random intervals.
I fancy a trip out, but I suspect I’ll be staying in working today.

(I do like teasing at times)x
Happy SMSx

Saturday, 17 March 2012

R.I.P Dawna... Thursday December 12th 2047.. and other Saturday ponderings..

Well... I heard Reggie speak of the death clock website on his latest post and I thought i'd check it out.
Apparently.. my date of death will be; Thursday December 12th 2047
Meaning I will die at 78.
Interesting.

I hope they did mean 2047 and not 2012... Yikes... if that’s the case not long now!:)
If you did know for sure your date of death... would you do anything differently right now?
Would you live a more meaningful and purposeful life (if you don’t already do so)
Or would you carry on as you always have done.

Anyway, for me personally...now I know I’m going to die lol... I’m going to try and make the most of the time I have left; which is 1,127.677, 227 seconds and counting down...
December huh... never did like the cold!.. and that statement just lost me another 10 seconds.. shit..

***
I have potatoes and a few veg to plant. I decided to stick to growing things which cause less hassle, and I feel confident about growing, I’ve never grown potatoes before but I’ve watched my mum so feel quite sure I cant mess that up. The brussel sprouts and broccoli that I tried to grow last year, grew to the size of a large marble... so I will not be doing that again.
I will go for onions beans, tomatoes,potatoes
**

Things are quite busy in many ways at the moment so I’m finding that I get quite tired!!... more than what's usual for me. I must try and pick up some iron as every little helps . But truth is... there’s just a lot on at the mo.

**
Today is treat myself to new phone day. Enough’s enough... I really need a phone. Even my house phone is ca put...and I like to talk.. and text

**
My personal development aim is to try not to overreact.. ( not be so OTT about things) keep calm..errr..have a little more patience...and perhaps understanding (which I can be a bit selective with)
You see...I have this fire inside that every so often shows up to say hi.. 'dont mean no nevermind'I've grown quite fond of it, but it needs a bit of a talking to every so often :)

**
I..shouted at a beggar the other day.. he seemed to be chasing me.. so I stopped turned around and shouted.. ‘GO AWAY..DONT FOLLOW ME... I HAVE NOTHING FOR YOU!’.. I was actually quite angry with him...plus he called me sis ..which pissed me off even more!. ( oh dear..I hope it wasn't actually one of my brothers on a really bad day lol)... I jest of course
That was a mean moment... I’m not proud. But sometimes people take the piss.

I mean... don't chase after me like that.. i'll go into fight mode.. this is Hackney.

Friday, 16 March 2012

Usher..



Nas







J Cole..

Scenic views.. and him..

It's said that yesterday was the hottest day of the year so far. fortunately for me I had a day off.
I've worked out that if i get up, as if i were going to work, I'm able to cram a lot more in.. so... that's' what i did.

Best of all, was spending time with the person in my life who makes me laugh.. he who makes me smile... most times:)

I'm trying to figure out what to call him in my blog.. the man with no name?.. hmm maybe... baby boy?... too cutsy.. hmmm it'll come to me... I may end up referring to him in any number of ways to be honest..as I have a few pet names for him... still it would be nice to give him a name here, as he does creep into my thoughts from time to time)

We really are blessed with some stunning views.. so it was nice to chill for awhile and enjoy them... yes there were even times when no one else in the world seemed to exist... only us.. moments that felt so... wonderful..and then, when other people did finally begin to appear again.. .they were smiling
Felt like everyone was smiling yesterday

It was a nice day.. no.. it was a beautiful dayx
He's sweet..
I quite love him...
(what's that you say?.. cue a 'captains log' post anyday now.. hey!!! behave!! you cheeky lot)

Anyway... Friday is upon us.. the sun may not feel as hot.. but we can still smile in the knowledge it will warm us again..
Have a nice day x

The gay marriage debate...

I'm not sure why anyone who has ever read the bible could find it difficult to understand the Church's stance on gay marriage.

I think people are being a bit hard on the church to be honest

I watched this interview with Archbishop Vincent Nichols, and felt he explained his stance very well.
Feel free to have a look if your that way inclined

I think it must be difficult to be Christian and be gay..given the text written in the bible.

What do people really want the Church to do?.. change some of their core fundamental beliefs?
re-write the bible? ( well...I guess it's been done before)

Everyone wants to be accepted for their difference yet wont respect the different views of others at times
I don't think this is as some would have you believe a homophobic argument at all...
I think it's about not being prepared to accept differences
Are the two the same thing?
Not really... as in this case it pertains to both sides...(accept me, but I wont accept you.. kind of thing)

What will be the outcome?.. god knows ( no pun intended) but unless it's a 'slow news day' I can't quite understand why it's being given so much air time

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Jay Z and Kanye..

Can really lose myself in this tune it's GREAT
love the performance

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Ruben Studdard.. someday.... George Benson.. Jon B.. a nice mix for a chilled out Sunday x



and George Benson





Try a little *tenderness...

I meet a lot of black women who have been single for a long time, who say categorically, they will not date outside their race.
I’ll be specific... they say they will not date a white man... (Even though they go crazy for the Italian looking ones... hmmm... anyway....)

Anytime I ask them why, they state things like racism, slavery, lack of colour... all valid points... or are they?...
Racism and slavery have not only scarred the white populous, but black as well, in that there are a lot of messed up self hating black men out there, running around dating every which way.. and loose.. who won’t be coming their way any day... on a month of Sunday.
Harsh?... maybe... true?... very likely

Truth is subjective perhaps.. but hear me out...
Some black men now struggle to relate to black women... black women remind them of something...
Many fear they can’t keep up?... perhaps some feel less of a man as they struggle to find a role, or make a contribution...
How is this sometimes played out?...He competes with her... she competes with him.. so they're now competitors instead of lovers... which can turn to haters... trust is ruined..he runs away... she runs away.. both deny their truth

And then you have some black women who say they won’t date outside of their race because of slavery ect..yet... many of them too...have bought into the Anglo Asian beauty ideal... the irony.. go figure..
I don’t get it
Not really... I think I do get it...

Listen... I don’t really want to have to explain the racism or slavery thing to any man... I don’t care what colour he is... but trust me... it’s a hell of a lot worse... if it’s a black man you’re speaking to... and don’t think that can’t happen..it can....to say lost, would not describe the phenomena well enough.
Sad, but true

So... the reality is, it could take a lifetime for some of these guys to get it together... many... never will
What is a girl to do?..
Okay... the lack of colour thing?.. Get over it... maybe watch some interracial porn or something to get you used to the idea...
(Did she just say porn on a Sunday? yep... I’m afraid I did)
You see... the men these women are waiting on ... are not waiting for them.
These beautiful, fabulous women alone, night after night... raising children, enough... say it with me... Enough.

I’m just wondering... if these men really can’t see the beauty in these women... if they really don’t know how to treat them right

Well...I’m just wondering if the time has come for these women .... to let the ‘brothers’ go ... and just get on with their lives..

As I said...I'm just wondering...

Oh...talking of brothers....
It’s my brothers birthday today. (I have 3) Happy Birthday bro... ( he wouldn’t agree with any of this.. probably moan about women) lol... let him moan...he’s never likely to come across this .. never.. ever..ever....funny really!!..
I’m not even gonna text him.. can’t be bothered
He knows how to have fun... in his own way....he’ll be okay

* Disclaimer... I'm not saying white men are tender... trust me.. I really wouldn't know!! what I am saying is that these single black women do deserve love and tenderness... they should be open to it... it may not arrive in the package they wanted... the stats are appalling... something must change.
Clearly there is an issue.. but people seem reluctant to address what the issue may actually be...
Has racism screwed up black relationships?...Is that all it really is?.. that thing which many think is a thing of the past.. is it still destroying families?...
Could it be?.....

Making changes in life..

I think I'm at a crossroads in my life.
Or... something.. .maybe it's an enlightened stage.. not sure .. can't quite put my finger on it..
The TD Jakes sermon I posted is all about being at a crossroads, and although the focus was on men... it offered me something also ( I do like YouTube really.., that previous post may have implied otherwise)

I am Spring cleaning my life.. as I'm ready for a new life.. ready for..my life
I try to remind myself that things don't always happen over night... that real change can take time.. I try to remind myself that change is actually occurring .. all the time

There are lots of things that can prevent us from making changes
Fear
Money
Commitments
Laziness
Complacency
Loss of motivation
Depression
Family
Friends
and sometimes... these are the very things we need a change of state from...the irony... it can be a vicious circle
I guess if we want anything badly enough.. we will find a way to do it..
Sometimes we need help... and shouldn't be afraid to acknowledge, that.

I think it helps when we have a vision of how we would like our lives to be.
But it's more than just a vision.. it's a deep down gut feeling that needs to accompany it.. to turn a thought.. into action

I'm on a day at a time thing right now...one day .. at a time

Improve your relationships in 20 seconds?... no *book or *YouTube vid required?..

How honest do you want your partner to be?
Is it possible to really be honest with that person in your life... who you care about and don’t want to hurt?
Is it honesty really that important?
Do relationships work best if each person has a role and sticks to it?
Or is self expression and the freedom to be oneself...the key?..
Truth is ... I suspect...it can be all of those things. ..some of those things... or none of those things
As everyone is different... and has different requirements in a relationship.

Which is why, any book or YouTube clip with the title... or similar title of... 'How to win the heart of your man!'... 'What men want!'... 'What men hate!'... 'What women need!' .. 'What women desire!'...
Aint worth a dollar or dime... pound or pence...

I went through a time in my life when I read the 'Mars and Venus' books, the ‘Rules’ and all that...
That was then.... many many years ago.
One classic is ... 'What men think!'... are you shitting me with that one!?!... ...ask any man what he’s thinking at any given time and you’ll more than likely get a black stare..lol...

Trust me. If someone’s gonna love you... they gonna love you. Simple.
They’ll open up to you.. trust you.. talk to you.. and share their thoughts with you... freely.
Whether you’re tall short fat thin, naggy or not naggy.. silly or smart.. can cook or cant cook.. tidy or messy... whatever.. someone's gonna love all that shit... and much more.
If anyone wants to know what makes their partner tick... or ticks them off.... ask them
Communicate...

Not all men are the same, and not all women are the same...
That little ankle kissing thing may have worked with an ex... don’t mean it’ll work with your new girl...
That stroking thing?... uh uh.... too hard .. too soft.. to annoying.. not annoying enough... jeesh it can be a minefield...
I think it’s time to drop the old tricks, approach each relationship fresh with an open heart...or.. freshen up an old relationship...and get to know that person. If you get a book to understand anyone... Probably best if it’s a book to understand yourself first.

Disclaimer....* some books... and yes i'll say it some You Tube clips can offer real insight... be discerning!!!... some help.. but some really can hinder

Solitude Sunday..x

I live quite a solitary life
I have people around me often, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t live a life of solitude.
I do.
Most nights (not all) I am alone
To break things up I may check out something on the Internet or read
But in terms of sharing that experience real time with another human being... It quite low down on the scale. It’s improving ( more of that later) ... but it’s still low.
Most people don’t know that.
Most people don’t know me.

I suspect many people feel as I do...alone... but maybe they just don’t say it out loud.
Then there are others who wont allow it.. fill their time with all sorts to avoid it... solitude that it.
How much can anyone of us truly know another person anyway... really?
We know parts of them...but not all.
We cannot even be sure what they tell us about themselves is true. Often, people tell you things they feel you want to hear. Or to steer you away from the truth... the truth of who they are... or what they feel... maybe that truth scares them... is unpleasant ... makes them unhappy... or maybe they just simply haven’t yet gotten to grips with it themselves...yet.

I went out not that long ago and met up with a few people I hadn’t seen in awhile. They all knew me as something else.
Some knew me as a writer. (I have some stuff published.. not much)
One knew me as that girl from the band ( yeah I had a band)
Another that singer
Others that community worker
None... really knew me at all.

I think my solitude is god given. Why? I’m not sure yet.
Maybe ‘god’ has a role for me. Maybe I needed to learn a thing or two.
I’m glad I’m not surrounded by people... you can lose yourself. (In the past I have lost myself) But there are times when it makes me sad.
It makes me sad because all the smart funny things I have to say on a daily basis (yeah I said it... dai-ly lol....trust me... I get some real inspiration) are wasted. On the days that I’m at my best and most beautiful... again... wasted...
Thoughts and ideas I have of any given subject.. the passion I feel .... again...toilet
So, there are times when I pray.. “Dear god.. make me a thoughtless feeling less girl today... remove from me that which causes pain, and replace it with a desire to cruise through life without a care or concern and no interest in humanity.. purely an interest in consumption, the purchase of material goods and to acquire economic standing in society. Remove from my persons any knowledge I have of anything outside of that... as it has proven to cause upset, and the benefits are few and far between”

'God' messed up.

The person in my life right now is getting to know me... a little...perhaps. But in truth I think you can only really appreciate the art of ...the benefits of.... and can only really get to know another... as much as you know yourself.
You can’t always see... what you don’t know.
So... there are things I will say that he cannot quite get. Possibly won’t believe... as he just can’t see it..either that or refuses to.
Most times though; we seem to be cut from the same cloth and he gets me completely and vice versa
Yet ...there are times when I think all he really sees... and knows... is how cute I am ... (attractive) and that I’m quite nice to look at... yes physically... quite hot.
(I think it depends on his mood.. and whether or not he’s being an ass)
(I think it depends on mine.. and how easy I am to wind up)
I think he sometimes says things.. purely to get a reaction.
I react.
Whoop de do.... I want to say... A+ for me
That’s my outer shell. It’s not ... all that I am
I like spending time with him
We are like one person

Truth is...yes... it’s nice to be appreciated for those things... (especially when you’re feeling low) but you and I both know that one day those things will fade.
Also... if the guys you have met over time only ever saw that... believe me ... it can have the opposite effect. In fact... it can make a girl feel mad sad and bad... and then... solitude beckons.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.. I know... I dont take that stuff seriously... for me.. it’s all encompassing... I struggle to separate the inner from the outer... it’s the package... or nothing at all.
Not everyone is into that kind of... ‘get to know another deep down’ kind of thing, I know... but if you’re a complex person... it’s great to find another who understands, and enjoys complexity. More often than not what may appear complex is actually very simple indeed.
(I think the bible speaks of two people being equally yolked for a reason)...

Either that ... or just appreciate a persons uniqueness... and love them for that... you don’t necessarily have to get it completely... but trust it is real.. that they are real

We live in an age where technology is king and the art of the conversation is lost. Having a meaningful conversation is time consuming and many prefer short bursts... nothing 2 taxin on da brain... nothing too emotional... nothing too real..
I want more than that... I feel more than that

But no man is an island
Happy SMSx

Two rabbits went into a rabbit hole.
One said to the other... “Man it’s boring in here.. it’s cold.. I’m tired.. I’m hungry... and there are no other rabbits to talk too”
The other rabbit said... “Women!!... you all love to talk.... come on baby...you know what they say about rabbits don’t you?”...
“Oooh yes!!”...she said...
So she cooked him and served him up with roast veg and a glass of Merlot


See... told ya....jokes...:)x

Friday, 9 March 2012

There is hope!..

I cut back the dead leaves of my banana plant and I've now noticed new green leaves sprouting up. Every winter I worry a little as the harsh weather makes it look as though it's had it's day... but so far I've been pleasantly surprised.

I've had this plant for a few years now and have become quite attached to it.. nice to see it's not ready to quit just yet..
Spring is on the way.. and not a moment too soon

I swear...

I never used to swear
For years... not a curse word...
I was telling a friend the other day that there was a time about five or six years ago when I just began to tear the roof off... if ever I got home after work and the place was untidy..
I’d curse the f****** house to pieces... wondering what nasty f***** I was in fact f****** living with.
I would continue to curse until I had cleaned everything and cooked dinner. Then ... everything was fine... and it was out of my system
As I cursed... I felt relief... it really helped me... I got it out of my system
The neighbours must have thought at the time... Dear god!! .. I pray... send this girl a man!!.. and I suspect they’re actually atheists!
Before that ...for the longest time I felt it was unladylike... and I just never had the inclination to be honest..

Real life kicked in... or rather... my life kicked in...
And there are times it pays to know a few choice words...
Now... I swear if I want.
Love me or hate me
I don’t f****** care

Oddly enough... it’s rare you’ll ever actually hear me swear in person... and I don’t really swear at people... no... I don’t like that...
I just swear

It doesn't define me..
I don't give a shit....
I think I swear more when I write
I think I feel free to really express myself when I write

I feel at one when I write

I hate love..

I hate love
Seriously I do
I hate it with a passion
Hate that I can’t do without it
That it exists in me
That it pulsates through my veins
That it makes me smile
Float as high as a kite
Or can lure me to a pit of despair
I hate that it means different things to different people
That it allows itself to be taken for granted
Yet refuses to stop
I hate love
It promises everything
And nothing
It’s fluid and never ending
It just wont quit
It’s main purpose seems to be to cause you pain
So I hate it
Yes
I fucking hate love

TD Jakes... healing of blind men and vision..

Quote from sermon...."I think it will help you with the man you married
help you to understand the man who left
help you to prepare for the man who's on his way...."













Tupac..TGIF x





Thursday, 8 March 2012

Tarrus Riley & Bugle..

Nice song...

KONY 2012

Women pt2....

Loved and hated for our bodies....



Often expected to be all things to all people...



Can struggle to find this outside of a magazine...



or this...



Sometimes a woman really just wants to say....



Fuck you all

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Diamonds and Pearls... Prince



Procrastination..

I tend to procrastinate...
Ideas and inspiration usually comes to me relatively easily. Then I’ll sit on them.. and I don’t know why..
I was asked once if I was afraid of success...

No.. I’m pretty sure I’m not... but I would love to get to the root of this procrastination thing... Which is actually very selective.
My challenge to myself is to (well at least try to... see I’m doing it even now) procrastinate less...
What stops me from getting some things done, may be lack of know how... I may require something but not know how to do it myself... then struggle to find someone else who does... that’s a bit of a dampener...
But again.. Maybe, I just need to try harder

Thought of the Day ...'Royalty' in Jamaica..

What would happen if Prince Harry met and fell in love with a Jamaican girl
Would he be 'allowed' to marry her?

Should the Queen continue to remain Jamaica's Queen ( didn't realise she was.. thought they were an 'independent' nation ( so to speak)
He is the handsome one.. (and still available) and i'm pretty sure the women of Jamaica haven't failed to notice

Women.. pt 1.. International Womens Day..

Feeling tired today but good.
Feeling quite attractive actually for no reason other than I just do.
It is possible however...that I actually look like a goat :).. I don't care... i'll take goat for today ....
Tell you what though.. every morning now I’m greeted by the friendliest happiest , and most pleasant security guard I’ve come across in a long time.. who wishes me a great day in such a genuine way..it’s hard not to be impacted by his enthusiasm.... thanks... whatever your name is... )

Anyway... despite my shed loads of reading, and work I need to do, I’m chipping away at it and things are beginning to take shape... in my mind at least.
The spring air ( forgive me as I know it’s quite miserable today) always lifts my spirits, and I can’t wait to get to the garden centre and purchase a few bits to really cheer up my outdoor spaces.. Yes... grass seeds will be on the list... again... but those know me.. will know I love gardening ( in Spring/Summer anyway)

Tomorrow is 'International women’s Day'

I wondered about that a little.
I think often women are not given the respect they deserve.
Often punished for their uniqueness, subjugated by those who may feel fearful, or inferior themselves for whatever reason, and yet... despite great obstacles, women are , and continue to make great strides in life.
Where would the world be without women eh? no where... ( yeah we could also say that about men, but it’s not international mans day tomorrow, and I’m trying to keep to the theme here!)
I wondered if men ever wondered how they would feel if they were a woman.
How would they wish to be treated?
Would they feel appreciated, respected, loved?
What would they think... of men?
For many of us in the ‘west ‘loving yourself is the rhetoric... sure... I often wonder if I’ll meet anyone capable of loving me as much as I do, and the answer will most likely be no... but a close second may suffice... who knows... I kid... hmmm.. well... kinda...

Fact is... for many women outside of the western hemisphere... loving yourself is a luxury they cannot afford. They have no say... know only abuse, hatred, servitude, and have little or no say or control over what happens to their own bodies.
Well... it’s comply... or death
I’m sure many choose death
Many will have no choice, death will be chosen for them

Damn... this was meant to be a cheery post.
I am feeling good... honest...
I guess what I wanted to say is... be nice...
I try to remind people that kindness is not a weakness... some struggle and think they have to be nasty or rude, to be taken seriously.. I don’t think so at all
Recognise the beautiful contribution that women make to the world...
No man is an island... and those who seek a good woman ... and find it... smile...
and get on with it
Not every woman will be suited to you... so don’t why admonish... for in their own way... every woman is a gem


Write a beautiful letter to a woman today.. send it or read it directly to them, face to face.. or over the phone.. cook a meal..whatever... don't be afraid to show you care

Thought of the day... Perfection..

In whose eyes?

Regardless...whether I achieve 'it' or not.. I'm happy to be me
There will always be critics...

3 reasons it's fine to have 'faults'
1. gives you something to laugh about
2. Gives you something to strive for
3. Keeps you humble

Nobody said love would be easy...

Still....why are relationships so hard?.
In my mind ( and I truly believe this) they should be the easiest things in the world. Boy meets girl.. boy and girl get along.. boy and girl fall in love.. boy and girl get married and live happily ever after ( dealing... like adults.. with the challenges that come their way)
Now... why is that so hard?
Exactly... it's not...

I honestly think most people would want it that way. It becomes difficult when either the love isn't true, or there is a lack of maturity.. personal past pain, inner anger, a lack of honesty... and I'm sure we can add much more to the list...
Fundamentally though, most of us will have a 'blue print' of the type of man or woman we'd like to be with.. or feel we would be happy with...and want to share our lives with.
Often we stray from that path because we're not meeting anyone like that... and we decide to make to do with ...'as close to' ...
We settle

I can understand that... people want companionship.

Other times... we naturally change or grow as people... and our desires... and requirements change (we begin to see life differently)

Ironically, it would seem that the only problem with relationships... is the people in them
The template itself... is flawless...

But I would say to anyone that even if they are unable to see or believe it's possible...( to acquire the relationship they've 'dreamed' of) doesn't mean it can't be done
It can be whatever you want it to be

Cue tears....and a whole lot more...

I got a call last night.
“Why are you not writing on your blog?”
I shook it off.
The person was not pleased... what they know of me they felt I was bottling things up... harbouring pain which was really not my own... needed to let it go

So I said to myself this morning...write ...something
Come on D... you can do it...
Truth is... events of late had left me speechless. Not without thought I must say... but without the ability to truly share what I was thinking and feeling...coherently, without going into detail.
I was speechless for many reasons. I was also disappointed, hurt, confused, and ‘shook’. Felt as though, again I was on ‘planet Dawna’... with only one inhabitant... me

Still... what’s that they say?... that which doesn’t kill you and all that....?
Hmmm... it felt like I was dying inside
But it’s true what 'they' say. The people around you can make a huge difference when push comes to shove.
They can remind you of who you are... when you appear to have forgotten, and the pain has blinded you.... all be it temporarily.
They are able to be objective.

It has been an emotional and difficult time. Cue a river of tears, misunderstandings, understandings, and a whole lot more.
Cue texting in the early hours to a sweet girl friend and receiving back words of compassion, empathy and encouragement.
Cue family. Cue colleague.
Life eh...
There are times when all appears well and seemingly out of the blue you come up against a real challenge, and despite all your knowledge and experience you’re not sure what to do.
Time has begun to help me. I was reminded it would. At the time I felt... nothing would.
I’m beginning to feel centred again.
I guess when your heart is open to love... its open to a whole lot more as well...

Was that coherent? I don’t know... possibly a bit abstract for most...
Well... it’s not much... but it’s a start
So how are things now?...
Better..
Been a struggle sure.. but... seem to be getting there...

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Do you believe in Providence?...

Divine providence that is....
Do you feel we have the power to summon it at will?..
I require providence... as I'm a little hazy.
I need to re-tune my antenna
Who or what do you turn to for answers?..
Some turn to prayer.. others head to the pub.. some burn... incense

I tend to look within... talk... (if i can find an ear on my wavelength)... then reflect...
sometimes it helps to listen... to the sounds of life.. nature.. be still awhile, then you sometimes get a pull either way.. a sense of clarity.. an answer to a question..
I find the early hours best for that.. hearing the first early buses... birds...watching the sky turn to light

Providence... a girls best friend...

A very clever ad... the Guardian...little pigs

Please remind me....

Remember... never to let anyone treat you less than you are worth, or make you believe... you are not worthy.
Always re-evaluate your values and beliefs to ensure they continue to serve you and the world around you positively
Never let go of your hopes and dreams or allow anyone to convince you that they are not possible
Follow your heart, and never allow fear to trap you in a web of excuses
Reflect on your day, and ask yourself questions..
Answer them honestly..
Be kind
Be loving
Acknowledge you feelings
Listen to your intuition
Remember... no matter what you look like... you are beautiful
Remember love is not a game of poker...
Never set out to deceive
Sometimes it hurts to cry... but sometimes.. cry you must
Find someone or something that makes you laugh... and if you can... laugh everyday
Remember you are special
Remember there will always be someone who will love you... freely... by choice...fearlessly
Be honest with yourself
Never get too wrapped up in adoration
Don’t believe your own hype... control your ego
Get to the root of your un-happiness
Share your joy
Never give up on romance
Speak words of love.. write love letters
Remember death is a reality... and what we do with our time ... matters
Work through your anger
Be open to love
Try not to repeat the mistakes of the past
Just because you can't see it... doesn't mean it isn't there
Fantasy can become reality... and dreams fulfilled
When we limit ourselves... we also limit others...
To do so.. is selfish
To be cruel is never necessary.. but it's always an option
Having an abundance of love... can feel like a heavy burden to carry
Believe your time will come
Love the god in you
Love your partner without limit
To shut down... is to shut out
Show gratitude
There are times when we should talk
There are times to be silent
Make up after arguments
Enjoy making love
Get your housework done early... and out of the way..
Take care of yourself
Love yourself the way you wish to be loved

It will be okay....
Eventually.